I have seen Twin Peaks exactly once in my life, in an apparition of a sunroom.
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It was like watching dust settle, how bored I was, piecing together why I was here
and what I wanted and what this would mean to me in the end.
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The hot itch of orange tweed against the backs of my legs, an irritating reminder
of my attempt to be your friend. I don’t remember the invitation. I don’t remember
what we said at all.
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You in the forest. You in the river. You, pants rolled up to your knees, saying something poetic. You king of Vermont. You king of whatever we called it.
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That party. You’re waving me over from across the pool—the perimeter’s bright limestone against blue. It’s night. This is fluorescence. This is me doing everything you wanted.
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I’m fighting with Graham on the phone because he doesn’t want me to end up dead
like that football player. I think about how tragically American all of this is.
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In the basement you hand me a cup as if it’s communion, then you abandon me
to your friends. Their faces, apparitions. Black petals wilted with intoxication. I stay in this crowd till we flee. Are blown away.
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Now go north. Now think of the fire. Now think of the big yellow house.
Now think of the treeline and how it guarded us from everything.
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These are not the right months. Now you invite me to your dad’s house. I didn’t know
your parents were separated, too, and pretend it’s something you say to make me feel closer.
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How does it feel to be so distant yet to occupy my fondest memories?
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You told me home was a feeling, not a place. It took me years to believe you.
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Sometimes, all I can think of is that sunrise. And that one. And that one.
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Originally from Massachusetts, Loch Baillie (he/il) is a queer writer living in Quebec City. He is the author of two poetry chapbooks, ice, dove parachute (Cactus Press) and Citronella (Anstruther Press), as well as the forthcoming full-length collection River Running (icehouse poetry/Goose Lane Editions, 2026). Loch is currently pursuing his MA in English literature at Université Laval. You can find him online @lochbaillie or by visiting www.lochbaillie.com.
